Over vier weken kan de hele wereld lezen hoe ik als kind kanker beleefde. In mijn agenda staan meer en meer afspraken waarop ik mag praten over mijn verhaal. Ik mag iets vertellen op een boekpresentatie voor mijn familie en vrienden, op het najaarssymposium van de VOKK begin november, volgende week een interview met JAN Magazine, en binnenkort misschien weer op de radio.
Maar hoe praat ik over iets wat ik jarenlang heb verzwegen? Hoe leg ik in een gesprek uit wat ik voelde over die rotprikken in mijn hand, het litteken dwars over mijn buik, het staren naar mijn kale hoofd, het voortdurende kotsen en de wanhoop die ik bij mijn ouders voelde? Hoe doe je dat eigenlijk, in het openbaar spreken? En wat willen die journalisten straks allemaal van mij weten?
Ik besloot het een auteur te vragen met ook een autobiografisch boek op haar naam: Janneke Jonkman. Een jaar geleden had ik via Het Schrijfatelier een cursus Proza bij haar gevolgd. Tijdens die cursus had ze alles verteld over het schrijven zelf, maar aan wat je te wachten staat als je daadwerkelijk debuteert waren we niet toegekomen.
Janneke begreep mijn plankenkoorts maar al te goed. Schrijvers brengen zichzelf het liefste onder woorden met pen en papier. Spreken is een vak apart. Ze vertelde gisterochtend over haar eigen ervaringen met interviews: Over het algemeen zijn journalisten heel aardig. Ze willen je interviewen omdat ze onder de indruk zijn van jouw boek. En verwacht vooral leuke vragen. Ze liet me ontspanningsoefeningen zien, zoals het uitademen als een dolfijn (heel hard alle lucht uitspuwen en je lippen laten bibberen) en met je voeten contact maken met de aarde (om je lichaam te gronden). Janneke drukte me op het hart dat heftige reacties vaak meer zeggen over de ander dan over mijn verhaal en adviseerde me de kalmerende Bach Resque Druppels voor op mijn tong.
Terwijl mijn hoofd nog in de meditatiemodus stond, werd ik ’s middags gebeld door een redactrice van de KRO. Dat ze misschien iets met mijn verhaal wilde voor de televisieafleveringen van Goudmijn en of ze een paar vragen mocht stellen. Natuurlijk, zei ik. Ik zocht het centrum van mijn lichaam op, zette mijn schoenen stevig op de vloer en schudde de energie uit mijn handen. Kom maar op, dacht ik.
Ben je niet boos dat jou nooit goed is uitgelegd wat er aan de hand was? Vertelden jouw ouders dan niet wat je had? Konden zelfs jouw zussen je niet troosten? Was het niet vreemd dat de dokter zei dat er een kikker in je buik zat? Waarom betrok je het verdriet van je vader eigenlijk op jezelf? Hoe zie jij jouw toekomst, want in jouw boek lees ik dat je er steeds weer tegen aan loopt, dat het bijna een cyclus is? Wat vinden jouw ouders er eigenlijk van dat je dit boek publiceert? Hebben jullie daarna thuis écht nooit meer gesproken over de tijd waarin je kanker had?
Een goede interviewer. Ze had zich voorbereid, had mijn boek gelezen en stelde kritische vragen. Terechte vragen met pijnlijke antwoorden. Ik had op mijn zevende een ernstige, levensbedreigende ziekte gehad en toch spraken wij er daarna thuis niet meer over. Inderdaad opmerkelijk. Het lijkt zo simpel, maar als je het in levende lijve meemaakt, is het het moeilijkste wat er is om hardop te zeggen. Ik heb nooit tegen mijn moeder durven zeggen dat ik me de nachten in het ziekenhuis vreselijk eenzaam voelde. Ik heb mijn vader nooit verteld dat ik mijn hele gevoel van veiligheid en geborgenheid kwijt was omdat ik hem maandenlang zag huilen, zijn verdriet in mijn hele lijf voelde. Mijn zussen liet ik niet merken dat ik ze in mijn ooghoeken heus wel had zien staan langs het schoolplein om erover te waken dat niemand het petje van mijn kale hoofd zou trekken. Ik sprak er met niemand over dat ik mijzelf vanaf het plafond had zien liggen in mijn ziekenhuisbed.
Met mijn boek laat ik twintig jaar later alsnog zien wat een kind met kanker meemaakt en doe ik een poging om te praten.
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